Blackie and New Land
by cgaussie
Summary: Cartman's letters about his holiday, written to Kyle.


Blackie and New Land  
By: Cartman's Girl  
  
Notes.  
1. A new way to do this, it's written in letters!  
2. Try to enjoy, even if it is short.  
  
  
July 4th 2001  
8.30AM  
  
Dear Butt-Muncher,  
  
Hah! You thought ah wouldn't write to you huh?? Well surprise surprise to you eh Kyle? Well, ah'm writing to you from New Town! This place kicks South Parks ass to the curb mah brotha'! There's sun, surf, swimmin' pools', 24/7 buffet tables, ah'm in PARADISE! 'N now ah'm gonna point and laugh at you all the way back in South Park.  
[points and laughs at Kyle]  
Now that that's done with, ah'm off ta swim at the swimmin' pool! Ah'm still gonna try out for the Olympics cause Ma said ah can do whatever ah want whem ah'm older! Hah!  
  
11.30AM  
  
Yup ah'm back. [sarastic] Ah can't live without you. [normally] Well anyway, ah been swimming. Been doin' the doggy paddle 'n all that but there's one thing ah just gotta tell you about. Well on the way over hyar ah passed this chick, she's like mah age 'n all that crap. She's African-American like Token (BLACK if you forget asshole), 'n she was playin' with what looked like her little bro. But they wre blockin' the steps to the slide, so ah told her to move her blackass! She kind astared at me, then pushed me off tha stairs. BITCH! ...but oh so preeeettyyyy...  
  
2.30PM  
  
Yup, tha black bitch is at it again. She pulled mah swimmin' trunks down 'n then swam off with em. BITCH! Get back hyar with mah swimmin' trunks! ...wait, maybe she wanna see mah beef-cake goodness! Oo, this sounds kewl...  
  
8.30PM  
  
Ah gotta learn to listen to Ma when she tells mah not to eat before ah go swimmin'... ah got stomach cramps 'n then fell asleep at the pool, now ah'm all sunburned. ARGH!   
  
Bye Jew Hog for today!  
  
~Beefcake  
  
---  
  
July 6th 2001  
12.05PM  
  
Dear Shit Eater,  
  
How come you havn't written back yet ya fuckhead?! Ah'm not good enough ta get a letter back?! You suck! Ah'll kick you in da NUTS when ah get home!! TAKE THAT YA DIRTY STINKING JEW!  
Okay, ah'm calm. For now. Bwa-ha!  
  
Well anyway, yesterday sucked balls. Ah couldn't go anywhere cause mah sunburn hurt like ah dunnowhat. Ma made mah lay in bed with all tha cream on mah face 'n mah body... it really sucked... main reason cause ah wanted ta shove that blackie into tha water 'n hold er there. Haha! That'd make her suffer fer takin' mah swimmin' trunks 'n not givin' them back!  
  
Hang on a minute, parcel arrived...  
  
12.09PM  
  
Well well well, she obviouslah realised how superior ah am, she left mah trunks out side the door just now. Stupid bitch... Ay! Ah think her little shit brother pissed on them! They stink like weewee!! Ah'll get Ma ta wash 'm later... stupid ho that blackie is.  
  
6.30PM  
Still... in... bed... Zzzzzz....  
  
~Eric the Sleeping Bag Cartman  
  
---  
  
July 7th 2001  
9.45AM  
  
Dear I'm Too Fucking Important to Write to Cartman Because I'm Home Fucking Stan Marsh Up The Ass With Mah Little Football Headed Brother Ike While Masturbating To The Sound Of Music While Mah Mom Dances Naked For Mah To See And Suck,  
  
Well, ah had a BIIIIGGG breakfast today! Hams, egg, bacon, toast, milk, orange juice, pancakes... hmmmm! Took mah a goddamn half hour ta eat it all! Ah eat any more 'n ah'll sink in tha pool! Yes, ah'm at the pool again... but not for the black girl! No WAY! Though she does have this kewl half blackhalf white necklace thing on... white stands out against her bein' a blackie of course.  
  
A-HAH! There's her little brother! Ah'll get him fer pissin' on mah swimmin' trunks!  
  
11.45PM  
  
Ah guess not... the blackie kicked mah in da nuts then kicked mah in tha head... stupid little bitch. Now ah got a black eye... god ah hate her... ah want her to dah! DIIIIEEEEE!!! ...at least let mah se her dah, that'll be sweet. Almost as sweet as seeing YOU dah shit eater! You 'n the blackie dahin' together...   
  
3.23PM  
  
Ah just realised she's got nice eyes... that blackie ah mean, she got nice clear brown eyes 'n that... goes nice with her black hair. Oh yeah! You don't know what she looks like do ya Jew? Well, she's got nice chocolatey, dark chocolatey brown skin... lovley havel eyes, thick, 'n ah mean thick cream thick hair runnin' down to her back... 'n she wears a two piece so she can show off her belly to all those pervs at the pool... and nooo ah'm not att he pool. Ah'm in the pool while the papers on the side. So ah'm NOT sorry if tha papers wet! Hahaha!!  
  
~Cartman the Wrinkled Boy In The Pool  
  
---  
  
8th July 2001  
11.00AM  
  
Dear Mr. K Broflovski  
  
Guess what ah done! Ah followed tha Blackie (mah new name for her, kewl eh?) home t'day! Course ah took Fluffy with mah, cause then it looked like ah was taken her for a walk, since she's been gettin' fat. Anyway, Blackie lives only a few streets away from mah hotel! Kewl eh? Now ah can egg her house 'n crap! 'N pee in her birdbath! Bwa-ha-h-ahaaaa!! ...well maybe perv through the window, see if ah can see anythin.  
  
12.00AM/PM  
That didn't work... her Ma caught mah 'n shooed mah away with Fluffy. God ah HATE Moms!  
  
3.00PM  
  
Well well well, she came back! Blackie's at tha pool again, this time without her brother... y'know, past two days or so ah been thinkin' bout Blackie a lot... ah mean she IS pretty... in a girlie kinda way... 'n now she's in a one piece cause her two piece probablah got dirty since she's been wearin' it a lot..  
  
4.00PM  
  
WHAT IS THIS WITH MAH?! Ah keep lookin' at her 'n actually WANTING her to look back at mah! This is creepy!! Ah gotta go take a pee!  
  
One Pee Later  
  
Phewf, ah woulda peed mah trunks... hm, she's still there.. laid out on that stupid blanket and sun bathing... damnit look at maaahhhh! Ah'm over 'heyar 'n ah'm wavin'! Stupid ho... she's probablah asleep, ah can't tell cause she's got sunglasses on...  
  
~Tummy Ache Cartman  
  
---  
  
9th July  
8.30PM  
  
Dear Mr. Ah Don't Write,  
  
Whoa, long day today... ah did quite a lot! Well, first ah had breakfast, course, then ah went out for a walk with Fluffy, past Blackie's house. By the time ah turned back, she'd began walking ahead of mah 'n Fluffy. So, we kinda walkted together to tha pool, after ah put Fluffy back in the room though ah came back 'n ah had a great idea!  
  
Ah'd write her a letter, yeah that was it. Since today, ah had an American shirt on (the flag shirt, like that hippie in Gump wore) ah wrote on tha note "Hey Blackie, you should look around more!" 'n ah taped an American Quarter to it! Since everyone at this place is kinda, Chiense, Italian 'n crap. So ah left it on her blanket and sat back where ah usually sit, this time with sunglasses.  
  
She came back, 'n read the note. She looked pretty surprised, 'n then her family crowded 'round and read it. Her little bro laughed at her, till she kicked him in the leg. Haha! That's what ya get fer pissin' on mah trunks!  
  
Then she was lookin' at mah, 'n ah was lookin' at her... but she couldn't tell cause ah wore sunglasses... she lost interest 'n then went home. God ah fucked up that's for sure... ah shoulda waved or something...  
  
Fuck.  
  
~Down in Dumps Cartman  
  
---  
  
10th July  
1.12PM  
  
Dear Baby Killing Kyle,  
  
Y'know what ah realised today? There's this girl always with Blackie (whom ah shall call Darkie!) 'n ah know where she lives, just down the hall from mah room. So, ah wrote a note for her, ta give Blackie. It went kinda like.. hm...  
  
"Guess what Blackie? Ah think ah like you, cause your pretty damn kickass sweet the way you can kick guys in the nuts, cause ah do that too! Ah know we got off on the wrong foot, like you kickin' mah in tha head... but seriouslah, ah know nothin' about you. But ah wanna get ta know ya! Reall!"  
  
So ah gave it to Darkie, but now ah don't know if Darkie gave it to Blackie or not... damnit.  
  
~Short Writing Cartman  
  
--  
  
11th July  
2.30PM  
  
Dear Kyle,  
  
Well, all this time and no letter from you ya ASSHOLE!!! DDDAAHHH!! As you can see, ah'm pissed off. Since, today ah told mahself ah was gonna talk to Blackie, ah was gonna joke 'n pull her hair 'n crap!  
  
But when ah arrived she wasn't there. AND WE LEAVE SOON!!!!  
  
So ya know what ah did? Ah wrote another note, this one, ah was gonna leave at her place. Ah wrote...  
  
"To Blackie, the girl who lives hyar; Bye... S-Sweet Girl, ah'll miss ya 'n this place a lot" 'n on the back, ah wrote,  
"Oh, by the way... remember last Saturday, when you were looking and nodding at that guy with an American shirt, but didn't look back?" Ah added some spaces for context.  
"...that was mah".  
  
'N ah left her mah e-mail address...  
  
Well, Ma's callin' mah out to the car, just enough time to post this before ah leave. See you in a half a day Kyle!  
  
~Cartman  
  
Subliminal Note: In all honesty, Cartman just never paid enough postage on the letters, so they were left in the Dead Letter section of the New Town Post Office.  
  
THE END  
  
Even more Subliminal Note: Based on a true family. 


End file.
